Where Smart Picks Go to Die
“The next contestant on The Draft is Right is….Your Football Fantasy, come on down!!!”
“Your Football Fantasy, we need you to guess the correct price for these draftable players. You have QB Aaron Rodgers, RB Arian Foster, TE Rob “the Gronk” Gronkowski, and WR Calvin Johnson. What is your guess?”
(Listens to the crowd) “Well Bob, I guess $14,641!!!” (Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding) “Your Football Fantasy You’ve guessed right on the money. Not only do you get the number one draft pick but you get all the number one ranked players. And since you’re awesome we’re gonna toss in the number one ranked defense, the 49er’s, too!
Okay, okay a girl can dream, or fantasize, too right? With the draft coming up it seems to be all that’s on my mind, but I’m clueless as to where to start my planning. I feel semi-paranoid that any advice given by any male is to trick me into getting players who will fail to perform when the time comes. So like every other woman I know, I deter my thoughts to the draft party…that makes up for draft planning, right? I start thinking of how I want the draft to be since I will be hosting it. Do I want to do it through the computer or do I want to have it done manually for fun? What types of food do I want on the coffee table? Should I serve margaritas? What are we going to eat? With planning in full swing, the draft day finally arrives!!!
The draft layout is drawn up and it’s hung ever so carefully above the mantel, markers are laid out on the table along with the chex mix and everyone has a frame drawn up with their own personal team names on them lined up in front of the fire place. Everything seems to be in place! Everything but my draft picks!!! I completely forgot about them! To top it off the other wives even made sure to send me emails about how to pick players and how to discern stats. I feel like a loser now?
We all went to dinner, wings which seems appropriate enough, and it’s time to get down to business! Now, who gets the most prized possession of the number one draft pick? Being HUGE fans of the show, “The League” we really tried to come up with an ingenious plan for number one pick. Instead we get numbers from a hat, of course! So we all randomly draw a number, one by one we draw one out and we all open our folded cards at the same time. I GOT NUMBER ONE!!! The loser who has no draft picks lined up got number one! Well I say I had none lined up, but in reality I always had my number one chosen.
My pick came with much thought, well I take that back, it came with much spite. My first pick is Camy-Cam Newton, and his name is drawn up on the board with a “Suck it” spitefully delivered to another league member who swore to punch throats of anyone who stole Cam. So right there my strategy is drawn up. My strategy is to basically screw everyone else’s picks up, make them choose randomly and maybe cause a fight. I mean I wanted to be ladylike but decided this was much more fun. I wanted to win and I’d do whatever it took to get a great team! My only downfall is that I had no clue who made a great team! All I had was a list that my husband graciously printed out and well I didn’t want to be a rankings slave but I suppose I had no choice but to follow who seemed to be the best.
So who did I end up with after hours of drafting players? Here’s my draft:
Number 1 Pick: QB Cam Newton
Number 2 Pick: RB Lashaun McCoy
Number 3 Pick: WR Larry Fitzgerald
Number 4 Pick: RB Marshaun Lynch
Number 5 Pick: TE Rob Gronkowski
Number 6 Pick: WR Percy Harvin
Number 7 Pick: Defense and Special Teams the 49er’s
Number 8 Pick: WR Miles Austin
Number 9 Pick: QB Michael Vick
Number 10 Pick: RB Darren Sproles
Number 11 Pick: WR Robert Meachem
Number 12 Pick: TE Tony Gonzalez
Number 13 Pick: K Steve Janikowski
Number 14 Pick: WR Santonio Holmes
Number 15 Pick: RB Steven Ridley
Number 16 Pick: Defense and Special Teams the Giants
Seems like a pretty solid team to me. My lovely plan of screwing draft orders up worked like a charm, so I was happy with who I drafted. But week one is creeping up fast so we’ll see exactly how good my team really is!